i sHALL nOT wANT…
December 14, 2007 by cheloyskee
as i sat on the pew earlier tonight i can’t help but be amazed on how amazing God is.
before the program began, there i was, feeling so alone. i can’t even get my friends to accompany me tonight as i sang for a church christmas celebration. even the ones who aren’t close to me weren’t there to sit beside me while i sat beside a big, tall, seemingly, stern pastor, who quietly sat beside me at the first half of the program (until he started speaking to me in Tagalog. He couldn’t speak too much English. that’s why he does not talk, he said. =) apparently,he is a very funny and witty pastor)
i knew from the very beginning that it was not my friends, or even the big pastor’s fault that i was alone. it was God’s. it’s a conspiracy, you see, among angels and the principalities of this Earth. it was a set up.
two weeks before this day, in psalm 23, the passage I SHALL NOT WANT kept on ringing in my head. little did i know that it was a warning of series of tests in my life– God posted a question for me..if He will take away everything, or everybody around me, would i still TRUST HIM?
to tell you frankly, i had a hard time doing so.
It all started with my WANTS. For the first time in my entire life, i started WANTING??! you see, if there is a QUEEN OF DENIALS, that would be ME. :/ i’m the type who denies what i want. i don’t want to WANT, because past has taught me that if you started WANTING, you’ll eventually end up with NOTHING. and that HURTS.
so my plan is NOT TO WANT.
But God obviously has different plan in mind.
Apparently, i was made with a WANTING HEART. A heart that longs….for people, for friends, for acceptance, for love, for affirmation… the list could go on.
But, again, God wants me to look beyond those WANTS. but in able for him to accomplish that, He has to remove them. They are kinda blocking my way towards my REAL WANT– Jesus.
"The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want…"
it took me a bucket of tears, and a few broken hearts to understand that again…and again.. and again. but it’s all worth it.
so, as i said earlier, i sat there in church marveling on how amazing God is..
God restored me through a lot of things: through FAITHFUL friends around me, who never gave up on me.. who tried understanding me even if they don’t. hehe. (well i can’t blame them. i must admit, i get confused with myself juga. :/ )
Restoration even comes from people i barely know. Even the music simply being played by the pianist earlier as i sang– moved me…to believe and to trust..To trust Jesus– who is the seat of all my WANTING and DESIRING.
"The Lord is my Shepherd. i shall not want… He leads me through quiet waters. He RESTORES my soul…" Psalm 23: 1-2
Thank God Ate…your journey has been painful and it’s something that no one wants to go through…but I think this is a process that you have to go through…and God is merciful that He still gave you a way out…Our biggest enemy is ourselves and I think you are 1 step further towards defeating yourself. Take 1 step at a time…and try not to be frustrated on yourself. GBU Ate…..
hey lung. thanks for processing through these issues with me yesterday. i want to be a better person, and a better friend. i don’t want going around hurting people around me. it’s the last thing i WANT in life. sorry, i was not being an ATE lately. thanks for the patience.